Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke Presents Award to Leadership of the Occupy Wallstreet Movement
WASHINGTON- Top leadership for the Occupy Wall Street movement was in Washington, DC today to receive an award from from Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke.
The ceremony took place early in the afternoon with the award being presented, by the Fed Chairman himself, after a sumptuous lunch consisting of arugula salad, lobster and wyugu beef.
For his part Bernanke was beaming after the event. The Vitamin Press was able to catch up with the nation’s top banker and the very busy man was able to share the following:
“The value of the OWS movement to proponents of a command/control style economy of corporatism has been incalculable. Before Soros introduced them to the national narrative quite a lot of people were starting to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions. Like why we were subverting the free markets in order to bail out our favorite friends, why we were robbing their bank accounts and paychecks by printing all the money that Obama needs to buy votes in the next election and how the government had assumed the power to force the consumers to buy the products from the entities the workers had been forced to subsidize through their taxes and inflation.”
Bernanke continued, “But what OWS has, in essence, done is to shift the direction of the debate. They are out there every day loafing their butts off trying to convince America that more power should be given to the government in order to increase the regulations on the markets. Ostensibly of course this power is to get rid of corruption and insure equality. But lets not kid ourselves. We’re just going to use this power to do what we always do … give more money to our cronies and buy more votes for the people that keep us in power. And OWS will have no problem with this just so long as we keep taking money from the middle class in order to pay for their handouts.”
A secret lobbyist for Goldman Sachs -Alan Grayson- agreed with Bernanke’s sentiments, “You know we at Goldman Sachs thank Keynes nearly everyday for the Occupy Wallstreet movement. So many of us were worried that the jig was up. You know it seemed like every second more people were waking up wondering why government was ruining the free market by legislating our competition out of business and forcing them to buy lower quality, higher priced goods and then further forcing them to bail us out when the corporatist system failed. But then the OWS showed up. All of a sudden we had a seemingly egalitarian movement demanding all the tools we need for government to get even more money for us. I mean higher corporate income taxes? Please, we just pass those on to the consumer. These guys are awesome. Nothing is better than the government getting richer off the middle class and in the name of the poor. And nobody sells that better than the OWS.”
Prominent member of the Beverly Hills chapter of OWS Austin Trotsky Rockerfeller IV also spoke with The Vitamin Press. Much of it was incomprehensible. “Like dude man we are here today getting an award from the Federal Preserve. Like these guys know how to jam … huh, huh, huh. Get it bro? See what I did there? See I said preserve . . . and then I said jam. It’s funny because like none of the random dudes are gonna be in a band. It is just so meta. But seriously bro we’re just so sick of capitalism man. Like we need organizations that can protect the 99 percent. You know when I went off to college and got my associates degree in Lesbian Interpretive Dance Studies it cost like a hundred thousand dollars. And like because the people down at all the stores are racist and sexist I can’t get a job that pays over ten dollars an hour. And who is going to pay my loans back? And that is really what OWS is all about man. Fighting the unfair capitalist system that expects me to pay my fair share. I mean … like right on.”