Shock: Existence of Gingrich Love Child Confirmed!
SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA- Incessant rumors that Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich sired a love child back in the early 1970’s have now been confirmed. The child was the product of a private evening between –then student- Gingrich and local cocktail waitress Meredith Palmer. The secret was kept until recently when the now adult child came forward to share his story with the press.
According to the son –now a 42 year old paper salesperson living in Scranton, Pa: “I’ve always known that former Chancellor Gingrich was my father. I remember the occasion of my birth as if it was yesterday. Me, mother, Papa: all in the woods. I was a willful child, all Schrute boys are. So he reached in and pulled me out and tore the umbilical cord asunder with his teeth. My mother could not walk for three months. To this day she has a limp and a drinking problem. Later that day I performed my own circumcision. I used a flint knife fashioned by my own hand and an antiseptic culled from the alcoholic remains of a centuries old family recipe for beet wine. I did not waste the foreskin. I used it to kill my first bear later that afternoon. It was then that Father Newt knew I was ready for the world. He left our lives in order to achieve the power I had just been born to wield.”
When asked if he thought his father would make a good President we were met with a similarly interesting answer. “Fact, my father’s favorite politician is FDR. Fact, FDR was in a wheel chair and people in wheelchairs cannot run. Fact, despite the fact that he couldn’t run he became President. I find this admirable. Fact number 2. FDR put the citizen enemies into internment camp. He showed mercy. Mercy is for the weak. I find this less than admirable. I would have vanquished them with the superior power of my foreskin and flint knife forging abilities. I don’t know what my father would have done in this situation. I would like to think he would have been stronger. I know that when John McCain considered choosing me as his running mate back in 2008 I made some demands of my own. They involved many things. One of them was a fully functional Iron Man suit and industrial strength flame thrower. These are practical. Schrute urine contains seventy percent more volatile material than normal mammal pee. Even that pee which belongs to liger’s or various other woodland supposedly mythical creatures. It is due to the high concentration of alcohol we can pack into our beat juice. Given this fact I could easily power both the Iron Man Exoskeleton Power Suit and the flame thrower. If for some reason I could only produce enough pee to power one of these items I would choose the power suit. I would choose the power suit eleven out of ten times. This is because the power suit has its own built in flame thrower already. Also I can use it to wrestle Sasquatch with. Not bigfoot, mind you. The noble Sasquatch does not answer to that slave name.”