Panic Grips World as Gregorian Calender Set to Runout At Midnight!
Panic gripped the world today as scientists made the shocking announcement that the calender is about to run out. According to the dire new claim an error was made in the planning of the Gregorian device most commonly used for marking dates. Due to this mistake the calender expires after 52 weeks, or roughly 365 days. With the date of the 365th day rapidly approaching many are wondering what will happen after the end of time.
Preparations for the cataclysmic event have been intense. Grocers shelves are bare and discount tobacco stores are reporting significant shortages in cigarrettes, beer and whippits. Several retailors have also experienced chaos and pandemonium as shoppers have clashed over limited supplies remaining for the numerous “End of the World” sales events currently being mounted.
Despite the hopelessness that this event portends we are still getting reports that bode well for any genuine assesment of the collective human condition. Good samaratans have sprung up across the globe offering to liquidate peoples personal assets in an effort to allow them the cash necessary to enjoy the last few hours that the planet has left. Among these selfless troubodours is none other than elder statesman -and partial human being- Albert Gore Jr.
As the former Vice President told The Vitamin Press: “The calender has a fever. It is because of the oil companies and the rock and roll music that Tipper warned you all about. By this time tommorow the planet will have ended and everything you know will have collapsed into a single non deminsional point that the smart people like to call a singularity. The science is settled. It is a fact.”
“It is also a fact that people are going to need money if they want to enjoy the time they have left before the calender runs out. That is why I am out there giving them this money by buying up their houses and boats and cars and insurance policies for the very generous rate of up to ten cents on the dollar. It is a sacrifice I know. But as it is for the betterment of my fellow mankind it is a sacrifice I bravely accept.”
As always The Vitamin Press will remain with you providing up to the minute information as it becomes available to us.
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