July 2, 2010 by Kip Hooker, Section: Not Really the News, Comments (18)
Mississippi Ordered to Remove Barrier Islands
Gulfport, MS- After the conclusion of a seventy four day study on the relationship between the ecological devastation deodorant-wearing-transvestites can cause to the natural habitat of arctic penguins in regard to the mating habits of hairless chupacabra’s attending university in Syracuse New York it has been determined that states like Louisiana will not be allowed to build sand berms to protect their shores from an ocean of black death that has been -and continues to be- washing up and into their homes. Furthermore all states boasting natural barrier islands will have 30 days to remove such structures so as to mitigate any protracted harm they might be causing to Arctic penguins, hairless chupacabras or Lady Gaga’s personal hygiene. Overseeing these efforts will be the Army Corpseman of Engineers.
Coast Guard war ships have also been dispatched to the area. Theirs is also to be an oversight capacity, unless it is determined that something suspicious is occurring. As Coast Guard Colonel Burns Allan explained it to The Vitamin Press, “You see the the problem with these Southerners is that they are wily. You might think from all the TV shows and movies that they are dumb, but they aren’t. And I wouldn’t be surprised if they tried something really crafty like sending out boats that looked like they were breaking up the islands but were really violating our ban on cleaning up oil.”
Also on the Mississippi Gulf Coast to observe the dismantling of the barrier islands will be famous environmentalist, and founding member of the political action group People Establishing Nature In Society, Sage Pinebrush. Pinebrush had the following words of encouragement for the people of the Gulf Coast, “Sucks to be you!.”
Grace Nearing
July 3, 2010 @ 10:43 am
the political action group People Establishing Nature In Society, Sage Pinebrush
The attribution is incorrect. It’s not P.E.N.I.S. but V.A.G.I.N.A.S. (Vegans Against Googling Idiots Not Academics Society).
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July 3, 2010 @ 11:09 am
[...] Mississippi Ordered to Remove Barrier Islands | The Vitamin Press [...]
Master Yoda
July 3, 2010 @ 2:05 pm
The farce is strong with this one.
Bill O' is my Homeboy
July 3, 2010 @ 4:33 pm
Umm sorry dude this was on Bill O’Reilly’s, whom is my homeboy, show last week. You got scooped again!
Joe,
July 4, 2010 @ 6:13 pm
“V.A.G.I.N.A.S. (Vegans Against Googling Idiots Not Academics Society).”
Hmm, good try!
Art Gecko
July 5, 2010 @ 8:33 am
“V.A.G.I.N.A.S. (Vegans Against Googling Idiots Not Academics Society)”
Fail.
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July 12, 2010 @ 10:29 pm
I miss Loni Anderson. Did you guys ever see my movie “booger nights” ?
birkoff
July 13, 2010 @ 6:05 pm
I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?
* Feel free to quote us in your blog. But please mention that most everything we post here is satire and should be taken with a grain of salt. Also we have a twitter account somewhere, but I think we have lost it.
-Kip
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