According to BP Execs Oil Plume is Actually the Result of Giant Mutant Octopi Mating in the Greater Baltimore Area

BREAKING NEWS: According to BP Chief Operating Officer Joseph Hazelwood new evidence has come to light and puts into peril much of the assumed notion that Brittish Petrolium is responsible for the oil that has been released into the Gulf of Mexico and destroying so much of that region.  In an exclusive interview with The Vitamin Press Mr. Hazelwood confided that a group of scientists and environmentalists, employed by the troubled oil company, have just returned from a week long trip around the region in a super advanced submarine.  Their findings in the matter conclude conclusively that the oil leak is only putting about one pint of oil into the gulf per week.

We then questioned the man as to what was the cause of (if the spill is only producing one pint of lost oil per week) those billions of tons of the black liquid that are careening through the Gulf of Mexico and washing up on shores from Louisiana to Florida.  At first Mr. Hazelwood was reticent to admit that such things were occurring, but after we offered him a margarita, he conceded the point.  When pressed again for an explanation as to these happenings Hazelwood then suggested that the seeming spill and the giant plumes of oil suspended and cruising through the gulf were actually caused by giant mutant octopi that were known for mating in that area at this time of year.

The Vitamin Press was unable to produce any independent verification of this theory.  Over the course of the fourteen hours that have elapsed since our interview we have sent in numerous requests to Mr. Hazelwood’s office in search of any evidence he may have to substantiate these claims.  We have been repeatedly informed, by his secretary, that he is golfing with President Buraq Obama.