Shocking News: Micheal Jackson is Still Dead . . . or is He?

Neverland Ranch- For over four decades millions across the world knew Michael Jackson as the ‘King of Pop’.  A man whose velvet voice could, on the wings of doves, carry a song straight from his lips and into the quivering hearts of his adoring fans and melt them.  A man whose dance moves seemed to defy reality and were just as oblivious to the laws of gravity.  A man who will often and always be remembered for such international monster hits as “The Boys are Back”, “The Boys are Back in Town”, “The Boys are Back in Town All Summer”, “The Boys are Back in Town All Summer and will be Staying In My Room”, “A Boy Named Sue”, “Boy, You’ll be a Woman Soon”,  “Have Boy, Will Travel” and “To the Workers of the Rockford River Valley Region, I have an Idea Concerning Your Predicament, and it Involves Shoe String, a Lavender Garland and Twelve Strong Women”.

Given this history the facts and circumstances surrounding his untimely death last month have left many confused and uncertain.  It was common knowledge that nearly ten years ago the pop star entered a life of exile and self exclusion, but few could even have begun to have guessed at the life he had sacrificed super-stardom to embrace.  Fewer still could have known that he shunned the sequined glove and the stage for a world of beakers and bunson burners.  A world were the King of Pop had abdicated his throne to become the King of Science.

Over those ten years Dr. Michael Jackson made some of the most staggering contributions to science imaginable.  He worked with Dr. Phil on developing a way to circumvent the Uncertainty Principal and was able to correctly label Rosie O’Donnell’s gender.  He worked with Dr. Michio Kaku and set String Cheese Theory as the ascendant explanation of the uni/multiverse over that of really dumb Quantum Loop Gravity idea.  Lastly, and most importantly to him, he worked with Dr. David Banner.  Their research into “tapping into the hidden strengths that all humans have” was revolutionary.  In just a few short weeks they had evolved the field from one of the most speculative sort of science fiction into an actual discipline requiring actual experimentation.  Ever selfless in the cause of advancing human knowledge Jackson bravely subjected himself to a burst of gamma radiation.  Unfortunately this exposure resulted in an overdose.  His body observed more gamma radiation than a human body rightly can and Dr. Jackson perished.  Or did he???

For the last two weeks, and acting on tips from very reliable sources, The Vitamin Press has been investigating sightings of Michael Jackson all around the area of Twin Falls Idaho; and some very strange things have been happening.  First there was the report of a man looking suspiciously like Michael Jackson working at a local Starbucks.  The Vitamin Press sent in an investigative reporter, posing as a swivel stick distributor, to go undercover and get to the truth.  Our man had been at the location for nearly an hour and was about to make contact with the subject in question when unfortunately a gang of meth addled motorcycle criminals burst into the coffee house with guns blaring an demanding the secret recipe to Willy Wonka’s famous everlasting biscate.  When the man looking like Jackson told the gang leader that no such thing existed he punched him out.  The employee fell back behind the counter and our man immediately rushed there to ascertain his condition when suddenly this green giant appeared and started tossing motorcycle gang members through walls and on top of roofs.  It was insane!