Famous International Genius Claims he can Plug the Oil Spill with Peeps, Magic Shell, Tazers and a Little Man in a Boat Eating a Twinkie

After two months of failed attempts to plug the deepwater oil leak that is pumping billions of barrels of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico per day a world famous physicist has weighed in with his proposal to plug the leak.  According to Dr. Erich Von Freemason the solution to plugging the leak lies in a complicated plan to bombard the area with 500 metric tons of slightly toasted marsh mellows -or yellow bunny shaped peeps- to be immediately followed by the precision application of 700 metric tons of magic shell ice cream topping while a little man eating a twinkie and sitting on a boat will fire a tazer gun into the water below him.

As Freemason explained it to The Vitamin Press, “There have been two major problems when it comes to plugging the leak.  The first is the sheer logistical nightmare of getting the equipment 5000 feet down and then operating it once it is there.  The second is that what we are dealing with isn’t really a leak at all, rather it is a geyser . . . a super pressurized jet stream of a highly viscous liquid shooting out of the ruptured pipe at speeds close to that of light and making it nearly impossible to affix any sort of apparatus over the top of it.”. The Vitamin Press informed Freemason that such a delima sounded insurmountable.  Freemason assured us, “It very nearly was, but in the end I realized that if I could absorb the spill faster than it was escaping it would be possible to secure the area with a compound that could be inserted as a liquid but -granted the proper catalyst- could transform into a solid dense enough to seal off the area.  Initially I had figured on using depends adult undergarments and Jello, however all my computer modeling suggested that idea was stupid”. When prompted or fhis eureka moment to use peeps and magic shell Freemason responded.  ”Well my initial idea was good, but it needed some refining.  So I went to the drawing board and decided on peeps and magic shell.  Mostly this was because the yellow skin of the peep could act as a selectively permeable membrane that would allow oil in, but not back out after it had been saturated.  As for the magic shell . . . well it is a liquid at room temperatures but when rapidly cooled it becomes a extremely dense solid and is completely capable of stopping the leak.  That is also where the tazer came in.  As you are likely aware the water in the area is extremely salty and -as a result- extremely electrolytic.  There is a definite need to maintain the magic shell’s integrity as liquid until it is in the just the right spot in relation to the peeps and pipes.  Introducing a mild electric current to the area and then shutting it off at precisely the right time can accomplish just that.”  We next inquired of Freemason why the little man in the boat would be eating a twinkie.  “How should I know, maybe he likes them.”

Keen to find out the White House’s position on this matter The Vitamin Press attempted to contact President Buraq Obama.  This proved impossible, however, as the golf course he was at had a rule against cell phones.