June 2, 2010 by Kip Hooker, Section: Not Really the News, Comments (13)
BP Announces ‘Operation Suck’
Biloxi, MS- Fisherman, charter boat captains and those dependent on the marine industries for their economic survival received a bit of good news this morning. Executives for BP announced that plans for “Operation Suck” had been finalized and over the next few days its implementation will put thousands of presently furloughed sea workers -along the Louisiana and Mississippi Coast’s- back to work.
The plan, as explained to The Vitamin Press by other BP officials, is to place these workers onto hundreds of C-130′s (provided by by the local Keester Air Force Base) and fly them over the oil spill. From there the individuals will be placed onto two teams. Team one will have swiffer mops attached to their feet and then bungee jump into the sludge where they will churn it up as much as they can before their chords return them to their aeriel platform. At this point the team two will descend into the oil zone and, armed with crazy straws and buckets of Fabrese, suck up as much of the oil as they can before eliminating the odor.
Still other executives for BP have admitted that this is not a perfect plan. It is, however, better than their original one in which they would have poured massive amounts of jello powder onto the spill area and hoped for the best.
The Vitamin Press has contacted The White House in search of their response to this latest development in the oil spill disaster saga. We were assured by official WH Press Secretary Barry Gibbs that Buraq Obama does not believe that there has -in fact- been an oil spill and that all reports of such are part of a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy intended to distract him from his real work . . . improving his golf game.
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June 2, 2010 @ 8:58 pm
[...] BP Announces 'Operation Suck' | The Vitamin Press [...]
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June 6, 2010 @ 12:53 pm
You suck. How come none of my comments have been getting trhoug. Ive been making comments everyday on this stupid sight for a year now and over the last month none of them have b een showing up. You are censorshipping my freedom of speech. And now Al Gore aND his wife have been getting divoreced because you have tolk all those lies about him and he cant take it no more. I am reporting you to the fcc!
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June 7, 2010 @ 6:22 pm
I used to work out with BP.
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