Product Review: Nike Socks

Smart as I am I rightly feared Nike’s legal department and so none of the emblems I created even remotely resembled whatever it is that a swoosh is. Instead I stitched an oil painting of famed bald actor Yul Brenner shooting a wooden golf ball into a Lil’ John Pimp Cup on one pair, a sign indicating a woman’s restroom on another pair and a formula that many believe could cure virginity in German prostitutes with head colds and peg legs on the third pair. As you might well imagine choosing just which of these newly improved socks to wear was troublesome. So I put on all three.

After walking around for a few hours I took notice of the curious fact that nobody had taken notice of my socks. The reason for this was simple. It was also obvious. No one could see the socks through the cuffs of my pants. The solution was just as simple and just as obvious . . . the pants had to come off, and so they did. Suddenly everybody noticed the socks. This did not go as well as you might expect. Especially when some rather excitable young lady identifying herself as Helga Westworld started peeing down my leg. Then it got worse. As it happens my legs are allergic to pee, but not in the usual way. Instead of swelling up or some other such gross wonder my two legs fused together into one giant salmon colored tentacle. Propitiously as this was happening I happened to notice that I was standing next to a sea or an ocean or a swimming pool -or maybe  it was just that Helga just had a really large bladder. I jumped in and was greeted by a dancing crab. The crab was practicing for an audition to be lead disco dancer at this new club named Lindsay Lohan’s Underpants. He seemed very perturbed that I had disturbed this and started chasing me around the drink. I put up a good swim but was ultimately boxed in by an underwater rock formation resembling Justin Timberlake’s talent (which might very well explain why I had taken no notice of the danger until it was much to late) and a giant angry crab. As a giant angry crab claw came sweeping every closer to my face I suddenly remembered that many believed formula’s intended to cure virginity in German prostitutes with head colds and peg legs could also serve as an antidote to any allergic reaction rendering otherwise normal legs into a behemoth salmon colored squid like tentacle and that the only ingredients needed for this formula were angry giant dancing crabs and cheap white athletic socks. So I tried it. It worked. My legs came back. I swam to the surface. I emerged victorious. I found my pants and put them back on.

Bottom line, great value, great quality, great price . . . this product definitely has my recommendation.