Pelosi: Congress Could Pass Health Care Reform with an “Assumed” Vote

Washington- Touting a “compromise for the ages”  an act of “bravery and genius sure to establish this congress as histories most admired and revered”  Speaker of the House Nasty Pelosi has laid forth a mechanism by which, she contends, Whealthsnare Reform may be passed without violating the will of the American people or engaging in the “pedantically procedural and quaintly antiquated obligation of having to find enough yes votes” for its passage.

Speaking exclusively with The Vitamin Press Pelosi expounded upon the theme, “Look I get it … 70 percent of the people in this country don’t want us to vote for obamacare but at the same time there are as many as 15 Americans out there without health insurance!  So the question quickly becomes how do you not violate those 15 peoples right to the other 300 millions liberty and property without also violating the basic tenants of our democracy?”. We assured the Madam Speaker that we did not know.  ”Of course you don’t I’ve just invented it.  Pay attention though, you may be able to understand some of what I am about to say.”. We assured the Madam Secretary that we were paying attention and would do our best to try and understand what she was saying.  “So here it is, Americans don’t want us to vote for obamacare, no problem we won’t vote for obamacare.  We won’t vote on anything at all instead I’ve instructed my newly created House Committee on Public Safety -because make no mistake about it this issue is very much a public safety one- to assume that a vote has been taken place and by the power I’ve vested in them such a vote will be the absolute proxy of a real one and may never be repealed under any circumstances!”  We expressed our lack of confidence in this solution, our belief that it massively violated The Constitution and our suspicion that when all was said and done nothing of such importance could merely be “assumed” into existence.  Pelosi disagreed, and she told us so.  “I disagree, and now you’re just being silly.  Of course you can assume something into existence, we do it all the time.  For example we assume the dollar has value even though it isn’t really tied to anything except the promise that our children and grandchildren will have to pay back a debt someday, we assume that President Buraq Obama is a scholar even though he is constantly saying tremendously stupid things like his grandmother was born in 1922 and lived through two world wars, we assume that Anderson Cooper is a fan of being tea-bagged even though he doesn’t believe that the people really have been taxed enough already . . .” The honorable congresswoman continued, for some time we assume, without the benefit of our audience.