Despite All the Warnings She Took the Brown Acid

Berkely- Local UCB sophomore Mary P. Rankster used the occasion of a protest -lamenting the cutting of federal school funding- to use the skills she has amassed over the last year and a half in an attempt to save her department. Ranskster took a few moments between performances to speak with The Vitamin Press about her efforts. “Look I’ve spent nearly two years at this place developing the skills necessary to go out into the world and become a successful Scholar of Selective Interpretive Superfluous Symbolism and Representative Ranting, Raving and Robot Dancing . Now this is a very select and precise field of study. What I have learned is not applicable to any other degree and so when my department gets shut down and my course of study gets ended I will have to start all over. Can you imagine how awful this is? I feel like a Haitian.” The Vitamin Press did its best to console Ms. Ranskter by suggesting that she look on the bright side of things and embrace the very positive fact that she would now be able to embark on her career as a Walmart Greeter nearly two and a half years earlier than anyone could have expected, but our appeals to the forlorn scholar were met with threats of violence and we hastily departed the area to avoid impending physical injury.