Scientists Discover Secret to Aging

Cambridge, MA- Scientists at MIT’s prestigious Center for the Painfully Obvious and Institute of the Absurdly Obtuse have announced that they’ve discovered the secret to aging and are poised to reveal that breakthrough with the scientific community -as well as the larger world at large- this weekend at a conference to be held in a phone booth next to the La Quinta Inn on Frontage Road near I-435.

To get a better handle on the situation, and to share the fruits of that understanding with our readership, The Vitamin Press very recently contacted famous Professor of Histrionics -and frequent VP science adviser- Dr. Erich Von Freemason to get his thoughts on the situation.  According to Freemason this “discovery is just another fine example of the mainstream science community stealing my ideas and trying to take credit for them.  I did a paper back in 1974 on this same subject and very successfully posited -if I may say so myself- that the ultimate secret to aging is waiting.  Did anyone listen to me then . . . no!  And here we are nearly four decades later and those in the very mainstream science community that routinely ignore my discoveries are just now catching up with me.”  Freemason continued, “This is just like the time that solved the looming energy crisis by inventing a vehicle that operated on water.  Did they listen to me then either . . . no!”  The Vitamin Press then requested further information from Dr. Erich Von Freemason about the vehicle that operated on water.  He was not very forthcoming with specifics or details but did inform us that he planned on calling his invention a boat.