January 6, 2010 by Kip Hooker, Section: Not Really the News, Comments (5)

Nelson to Resign from Senate, Pursue Career in Acting


Nebraska- Ben Nelson returned to Nebraska earlier this week to announce his imminent resignation from the position he has held, as the states Junior Senator, since 2001.  Though the news came as a shock to very few of his constituents Nelson declined to acknowledge the rampant speculation that this decision was largely in response to the politician’s plummeting popularity since voting “yes” on the Health Care Reform Bill in exchange for 100 million dollars.  Nelson did inform those in attendance -at the hastily arranged press conference- that he was quitting primarily because he “wanted to spend more time” with his family and to pursue a life long goal of becoming an actor.  The Vitamin Press has since learned that Nelson will not have to long of a wait before that dream comes true.  It has also just been announced that famous Hollywood director James Cameron has been so inspired by the elder statesman’s story the he is in negotiations with the Senator and is planning to cast him in the role of aspiring male prostitute Joe Buck in his highly anticipated 500 billion dollar 3-D remake of Midnight Cowboy.


  1. Art Gecko

    January 3, 2010 @ 3:59 pm

    I am pretty sure this is supposed to be satire, but the way things are going it is certainly getting hard to tell. Funny stuff though.

  2. Long John Silver

    January 3, 2010 @ 5:02 pm

    Aye when last at the cove sharing in a bit of the sort of pleasure they are kind enough to oblige an old sea salt in down there at the good Admiral Benbow we was discussing this very item. Then that scoundrel of a blind begging old dog arrive and tried to swipe his cutlas across my cheek. Aye I was just about to send him down to davey jones when the doctor informed me that he was also a magistrate and would have my hide if I didn’t play nice with the scoundrel. Aye, yo-ho!

  3. Pharmacy Teckie

    January 4, 2010 @ 7:11 am

    This is my favorite site. This information is so vital. Vitamins are important. Thank you for always having so many stories that are important to my industry. I check your site every day. It really helps me out.

  4. Bill O' is My Homeboy

    January 4, 2010 @ 9:13 am

    Bill O’Reilly, whom is my homeboy, was Opining on this subject last night. Of course this remake of Midnight Cowboy is going to stink. It those guys in Hollywood want to make a real good movie they should make it about Bill O’Reilly. But then again who in the world would be awesome enough to play him! Ok no bloviating in my no spin zone. Mess with the bull, you get the hombre!

  5. Joe

    January 5, 2010 @ 10:45 pm

    Ha, funny stuff.

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