Al Gore: Anthropogenic Global Warming is Now Increasing Temperatures on the Sun

New York- “We all know that the planet has a fever.  But now it turns out that it is far worse than we could ever have imagined.  This fever is contagious.  It has traversed the great darkness of space.  It has traveled  the unfathomable distance of 450 miles to settle on the surface of sun.  It has now infected earth’s nearest neighbor. And if we don’t do something about it within ten years all of the sun’s solar ice caps will have melted and she will no longer be able to sustain the myriads of plant and animal lives that make the region so vitally important to our fragile cosmic ecosystem.”. So began former vice president, and part-time human being, Albert Gore Jr. III’s address to the New York City chapter of the environmental action group People Establishing Nature In Society.  The famously eloquent statesmen kept the audience in rapt attention for nearly three hours and forty five minutes with a detailed outlining of his theories concerning anthropogenic global warming of the sun, vibrant readings of his environmental poetry and heartwarming anecdotes about his childhood servants being made to wait in the car so that he could eat his dinner without the awful distraction of people that were beneath him.

During the Q&A session, however, it was clear that the earth wasn’t the only place where things were heating up.  Dr. Erich von Freemason -of Universe University- openly challenged, and ridiculed Gore on his signature topic.  ”The sun is a giant nuclear fusion reactor with a surface temperature running into the millions of degrees.  It doesn’t have polar ice caps nor does it serve as a habitat for any plants or animals.  And if you do have evidence that temperatures are increasing don’t you think that a likely explanation for the global warming that you still haven’t proved is occurring.”. At this point member’s of Gore’s private security firm tazed Freemason and removed him from the auditorium.

Though the ordeal Gore remained calm and, once Freemason was gone, reassured his audience by telling them:  ”Denier denier face on fire, run around like Richard Pryor.  Seriously folks, no plants on the sun?  Maybe someone should ask that flat-earther where he thinks sun flowers come from.”.

The engagement ended on a more positive note with an audience member asking Gore what could be done to combat global warming on the sun.  ”I’m glad you asked that.  As it turns out back when I was in college, after I’d invented the Internet but before I’d served as the inspiration for the character Edward Cullen of New Moon fame, I created a device that can be used to solve this very dilemma.  The only problem is the only fuel I could find to power the instrument was one trillion dollars worth of crisp c-notes and the only place to come up with that sort of cash is by strip-mining the future labor of unborn taxpayers.  Luckily Barack Obama is president . . . and such operations have already commenced.”