November 21, 2009 by Kip Hooker, Section: Not Really the News, Comments (3)
Sunset for Twilight Star
Inside sources are reporting that teen heart throb, and amateur paleontologist, Evan Dando has been fired from the Twilight series of movies in response to a number of photographs that began appearing on the Internet earlier this week. These photo’s, purportedly showing the sullen star smiling, have so upset fans of the franchise that numerous riots have broken out in front of movie theaters playing saga’s latest offering -Bauhaus on Haunted Hill- and the number of American teenage girls suffering from anorexia (while reading the poetry of Sylvia Plath) has increased by 200 percent over the last 48 hours.
Sources have also confirmed that Dando will soon be releasing a pre-recorded statement to the media intended to address many of the concerns and apologize for his heinous lapse of judgment and the behavior that is completely incongruous with “the vision that author Stephanie Meyer had in mind when she created this wonderful character of the vampire Lestat”. Industry experts have some doubts as to if this mea culpa will be enough to turn the tide of negative sentiment that is rising against the actor. It has even been surmised, by many, that Dando’s star is falling so fast that it would not at all be surprising if he ended up as part of the cast of the new CBS spin-off series CSI: Boca-Raton.
Many possibilites are being suggested as potential replacement’s for the character and the safe wager’s have it that either Tom Sellick or Paul Ruebens will be assuming the role of the tween anti-hero. The Vitamin Press, however, often does not like to play things so safe and so we are humbly suggesting to the producers that they strongly consider any of the Jonas Brothers for the part. They are young, famous, brooding and most importantly (to any actor approaching the role of a modern-day Byronic vampire) well practiced at the art of sucking.
Red Spot on Jupiter
November 24, 2009 @ 8:34 pm
I used to work out with twilight. But then it started hitting the juice. Before you know it he was all roided out and smashing up street signs and stop lights with little old ladies and girl scouts. It was appalling. So I got my self one of those 1989 iroc-z’s and then grew this mustache and went into the witness relocation program. Dude that was a total drag. I like lived in this town where there was no gym and nobody knew how to make any beef jerky. So I got the total work out home exercise machine and rented all of the Chuck Norris movies that they had at the Blocbuster downtown next to the stuckies out on the interstate. And then I trained real hard and drank a lot of water. Just like rocky babloa when he went to russia to fight jean claude van damn. So then I came back to town and totally punched out twiligh’s lights out and said “Yo that was totally for Apollo Creed, crime is the disease Adrian ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” And then this helicopter exploded in the distance and I knew that is what it sounded like . . . when doves cry!
Sarah Lee
November 25, 2009 @ 6:12 am
This is nonsense. I drove by the local multiplex last night and I didn’t see any riots going on. Besides I used the google. Evan Dando is not the guy in this movie. He is a singer guy from a rock and roll band. And CBS has no plans to do a spin-off series called CSI: Boca Raton. And also Tom Sellick is to old to play a teenager. He is in his fifties. You guys are always making this stuff and expecting us to think it is real. It is not! I am getting tired of your shenanigans! I am going to report you to Al Gore!
Bill O' is My Homeboy
November 25, 2009 @ 9:51 am
What the author of this article fails to mention is that Twilight is a total rip off of a impromptu one act play Bill Oreilly, whom is my homeboy, performed on street corners for tips. He netted 1.5 million dollars in quarters, nickels and pennies from its original run and parleyed those profits into his tuition for Juliard. This is, of course, before he left that prestigeous school because they completely lacked vision and failed to provide him instruction necessary to his future career as a cage fighter. Their loss.