White House to Kids: All Your Candy Are Belong to Us!

Washington- Citing extreme executive privilege during a time of national economic crisis President Boraq Obama has issued a sovereign decree implementing a new federal code that will, for the first time ever, regulate the centuries old fall tradition of “trick or treating”.  This proclamation will -among other things- form a blue ribbon regulatory commission to oversee the uniform application of several new rules concerning the holiday pastime.  Duties, responsibilities and powers held by this agency are still largely unknown.  What has been revealed in documents intended for public dissemination indicate that trick or treating this year will be compulsory for all children between the ages of 5 to 14.  The children (who will forgo the normal costumes associated with the season and instead be attired in black slacks, black boots and brown shirts) are to report special “Candy Recovery and Reallocation Centers” where they will be issued D-cell maglite’s and large plastic buckets shaped like acorns.  The buckets are to be used for depositing all good collected on their treks through the local neighborhoods.

The participating youth are then to visit every house in their designated route unless the residents can prove that they placed an Obama/Biden sign in their front yard on or before November 4th of last year.  Homes qualifying for the Obama Exemption will be passed over.  Homes that do not qualify for amnesty will be visited by the newly created youth group and will then provide every trick or treater in the party an amount of candy equivalent to 45 percent of their gross income for the calender year of 2008.  Any household unable to provide that amount in candy to each visitor will be allowed to provide an equivelent donation in either the form of cash, check jewelry or the future labor of their unborn children.  All persons failing to comply with the new donations schedule, or demonstrating undue hostility or beligerance to the children, will be subjected to the little used “trick” clause of the annual autumn festival.  Administration literature is a bit murky on the particulars concerning those “tricks”, but it is thought likely that such may be at the discretion of the SEIU representatives the Federal Government will be providing as chaperones for these events.