Lindsay Graham Undergoes Personality Transplant, Survives

Charlston, SC- Doctors in South Carolina are reporting that all has gone well with Lindsay Graham’s recent surgery and that the long time Democrat Senator is resting comfortably and expected to make a full recovery. Graham, who early yesterday morning became the second person to undergo a complete personality transplant and the first individual to survive the procedure, is also reported to be in good spirits and eager to find out what it is like to make friends.

Graham is well known for his work in the Senate.  What is less well known is the fact that he suffered from a severe personality disorder that had rendered him incapable of being an actual human being for many years -if not all of his life.  According to press releases from the Senator’s Office the condition was the result of an accident during the early 1980’s when Graham valiantly threw himself in front of several Rino’s that angry villagers were attempting to chase out of Washington, DC with the Constitution.  Not everyone agrees with this assessment.  Dr. Baltimore, M.D. (the lead surgeon on the operation) believes that Graham was born with a serious genetic condition known as Chronic Reaction Against Personality and has likely never had a personality.  As he told The Vitamin Press, “Oh sure it’s Chronic Reaction Against Personality.  I tell you I’ve never met a man so full of C.R.A.P. in my entire life.”

Many on both sides of the aisle are hailing the personal bravery that Graham has shown in confronting his disability.  His example is also inspiring others with similar such conditions to break their own silence and work to ease the burden of their own affliction.  White House Press Secretary Barry Gibbs spoke with The Vitamin Press on the matter.  “Most Americans are not aware that President Borax Obama suffers from the same ailment as the honorable Senator from South Carolina.  Mr. Obama was born without a personality and has worked hard his entire life to keep this fact a secret and to succeed in spite of it.  For many years now he has even been employing what experts in the industry have termed a “personality prosthetic”.  It is a device that consists of two monitors that can be placed in the view of the President -without obstructing the view of the President- and instructions are placed onto the screens directing Obama on what he should say, what he should pretend to feel, how he should react to any and all outside stimulus and in general how he should act so as to not arouse any suspicions that he has  absolutely no personality and can barely function as a human being.”  When questioned as to weather this indicated that Obama might as well be undergoing a personality transplant to correct his defect Gibbs smiled politely and added that “The President is quite comfortable with his teleprompter and doesn’t have any plans on parting from it any time soon.”