Our Exclusive Interview with Chris Martin of Cold Play

Sometime over a year ago The Vitamin Press issued the following review for the -then- new Coldplay album Viva la Velveeta:

There is nothing particularly wrong with this album.  That is to say it is not bad.  There is nothing particularly right with it either.  That is not to say that it is bad.  Much of it is not bad.  In fact I liked a lot of it . . . and have liked it for years and years before any of these songs were “written” or any of these tracks were laid down by Chris & Company.  And after having listened to this record and realizing that I’ve heard much of it before and done even better I must now openly wonder why so many devotions, fond phrases and accolades are afforded to what is essentially the world’s foremost -and most famous- Radiohead cover band.

Given that review it was with some wonder that we accepted the band’s management’s request to perform an interview with Coldpaly headman, and part time human being, Chris Martin.  Despite this wonder we responded to this request in the affirmative once Capital records had agreed to cover all associated expenses, real or imagined, tethered to the effort mounted to make such an interview a reality.

The Vitamin Press: Hello Mr. Martin it is great to be interviewing you.

Chris Martin: Yeah well no problem oi.  I’m a big fan of Trolling Stoned Magazine.  You guys have done some great work over the years.  I’m really a fan and I mean that.

The Vitamin Press: I’m not from Trolling Stoned.

Chris Martin: Oh no.  Oh sorry about that.  I’m a big fan of yours though.  You do some great work.  I really mean that.

The Vitamin Press: Alright then.  Well now a lot of the readers of The Vitamin Press are curious about how you guys came up with the title for your new album.

Chris Martin: The Vitamin Press?  Who’s that?

The Vitamin Press:  Uh, that’s me . . . that’s us.  You are being interviewed by a print and internet publication known as The Vitamin Press.  We were established in 1745 with the intent to spread the fans of freedom across the several colonies and are currently read by over 30,000 circulation fans a week and receive close to 10 million hits a day to our online site.  We are almost as famous as you.

Chris Martin: Oh right The Vitamin Press.  I thought you said uhh The Vicadin Pill, and uh I’ve never heard of that . . . ever.  But yeah you do some great work I really mean that.

The Vitamin Press: So the album.

Chris Martin: Yeah the album . . . OK Computer . . . yeah we are really proud of that one, worked really hard on it we did and I think it came out just great don’t you?

The Vitamin Press: Yes OK Computer is a fantastic album.  But, umm you didn’t make it that was Radiohead.

Chris Martin: Right on Radio something.  Those guys are great.  They do some really solid work.  I mean that.

The Vitamin Press: So your latest record.

Chris Martin: Right Viva la Velveeta . . . yeah we are really proud of that one, worked really hard on it you know.

Thre Vitamin Press: So a lot of our readers are probably wondering were you came up with that title.

Chris Martin:  The title?  Oh you mean where did we come up with the name Viva La Velveeta.  Well you know you really can’t but such constraints on creation.  I mean who am I to limit my art with such antiquated notions like meaning or reason.  It is what it is.  It is an emotion and you can’t very well pigeonhole an emotion or expect to translate it can you?

The Vitamin Press: Well actually you can translate it.  Roughly it means ‘long live the cheese’.

Chris Martin: Long live the cheese huh?  Well umm . . . are you sure?  That doesn’t sound right.

The Vitamin Press: Quite.

Chris Martin: I don’t know about that really.  How did you come up with that?

The Vitamin Press: Well ‘Viva la” would translate into English as ‘long live the” and Velveeta is a sort of processed cheese made by the Kraft food group.

Chris Martin: Well hmm fancy that.  Uh we don’t have Kraft overhere in England so you know that is probably the genisis of the confusion.  So many differences between here and across the pond and all.  Like our coca-cola tastes so much better than yours.  I really love our coca-cola, yours is crap I’m afraid.

The Vitamin Press: Its the sugar.

Chris Martin: Oh yeah right yeah I’m a big fan of their work.  I really mean that.

The Vitamin Press: Alright then.  Another thing our readers are curious about is how you and your band mates are dealing with the allegations from not only Joe Satriani that the title track of your latest opus is pretty much a rip off of his song Fly With Me but now Yusef Islam is also claiming that . . .

Chris Martin: Yusef who?

The Vitamin Press: Yusef Islam.

Chris Martin: Who is that?

The Vitamin Press:  Cat Stevens.

Chris Martin: Oh yeah cat Stevens . . . good man, love his work.  He really stuck it to The Man.

The Vitamin Press: The Man?

Chris Martin: Yeah you know . . . The Man.

The Vitamin Press: What man?

Chris Martin: You like the capitalists and the record company man.

The Vitamin Press: Of that man.

Chris Martin: Yeah that man . . . I really hate that man.

The Vitamin Press: Alright so now that Islam . . . uh that is Stevens has also come out and made the allegation that Viva le Velveeta is pretty eerily similar to a section of his song Foreigner Suite perhaps you can share with our readers what you -and your bandmates- are feeling about the matter.

Chris Martin: Well yeah I can tell you what I’m feeling.  I’m feeling like maybe your The Man.

The Vitamin Press: I can assure you that I’m not The Man.

Chris Martin: Oh yeah and how do I know that?  Its not like your going to walk in here and say “I’m the man and here is my business card.”  No way, The Man is far more clever and tricky than just that isn’t he?  Isn’t he . . . Mr. Man!

The Vitamin Press:  Mr. Martin if I were the man you and your socially conscience music and populist loving six million dollar mansion living lifestyle would be making me very rich right now.  I am not The Man.  If I were the man I would be signing your paychecks.

Chris Martin: Well maybe Cat Steven’s is The Man.

The Vitamin Press: Very possibly as you seem destined to make him an even richer one very soon.

Chris Martin:  And how do you know he didn’t steal his little song from me.

The Vitamin Press: Well his song was released in 1973.

Chris Martin: And?

The Vitamin Press: Yours was released in 2008.

Chris Martin:  So?

The Vitamin Press: Umm the year 1973 preceded the year 2008 by some time.

Chris Martin:  You know that is the problem with people like you.

The Vitamin Press: People like me?

Chris Martin: Yeah people like you . . . you are so limited by your lack of imagination and your dogged commitment to a quint little rigid orthodoxy.  If you’d ever listened to my songs you’d know that music is magic and it can transcend your corporate understandings of an industrial time and space.  I read  Tom Robbins ok.  My wife made 12 million dollars playing Frida Kahlo and Ralph Waldo Emerson at the same time in the same movie ok!  I don’t need to be constrained by your lack of artistic vision and negative energy ok!

The Vitamin Press: Ok.

Chris Martin: And another thing.  What is this business about him owning this song?  Or this suggestion that it is “his” song?  Really . . . how can you own a song?  It can touch you, but can you really touch it?  It can make you feel, but can you really feel it?

The Vitamin Press:  Then perhaps you can explain the following story that recently ran on The Vitamin Press.

Chris Martin: What story?

The Vitamin Press: The one about you and your Coldplay cohorts sueing a 78 year old grandmother of twelve living on a fixed income in public houseing for 50 million dollars because one of those grandkids downloaded a song of yours through a 56k connection while she was in the hospital undergoing kidney dialasys.

Chris Martin: So?

The Vitamin Press: That is a bit harsh don’t you think.

Chris Martin: There you go with your quaint little rigit corporate notions again.  I have to have money for my work.  I have to have it.  If I don’t have money then I can’t plant mango trees.  And if I can’t plant mango trees this planet is truly screwed!