October 14, 2009 by Kip Hooker, Section: Not Really the News, Comments (12)
Community Leaders Oppose Sharpton’s Bid to Buy Kosher Deli
Uvula, New York- Jewish community elders are rallying against The Reverend Al Sharpton’s bid to buy the Baer Market Deli on the corner of S.Exchange Street and Broad in beautiful old-town Uvula. Citing a litany of divisive remarks, attributable to the bellicose malcontent, local civic leaders are afraid that Sharpton’s “virulent history of blatant antisemitism” will be irrevocably incompatible with their long held tradition of being Semites. In addition to Sharpton’s clear antipathy towards those he has termed “diamond merchants” and “bloodsuckers”, there are also concerns that Sharpton will irrevocably damage the spirit of the 150 year old delicatessen with his stated plans to introduce a new lunch item known as The Sharpton -a decidedly unkosher specialty sandwich composed of unfathomable amounts of bologna wrapped between two thin skins of pure cheese- and adopt new longer hours for the Passover and Hanukkah holidays.
The Vitamin Press caught up with Sharpton as he was planning to derail teen sensation Taylor Swift’s bid to buy the St. Louis Ram’s on account of her recent abominable conduct toward rapper Kanye West at the 2009 MTV Video and Music Awards. The Reverend Sharpton advised our reporter (in no uncertain terms) exactly what he thought about the community leaders, their beliefs and what they could do with them. Given our self-imposed obligations to the dictates of taste, decency and a general unwillingness to promote any form of derision based on race, enthnicity or religion we are unable to print any of those comments here.
Chaim Duss
October 14, 2009 @ 6:26 pm
Sharpton…Sharpton?
Didn’t't he do Obama’s muslim baptism, (or whatever they call it when the suck the brains of out the child and fill it with hate and venom)…
Sarah Lee
October 15, 2009 @ 7:54 am
Alright you guys. I’m still onto you! You are up to the shenanigans again. George Clooeny didn’t win a nobel prize . . . ok. And Al Sharptin is not trying to by a store in Uvula New Yaork. UVULA (BTW!) is that hangy thing in the back of your throat. There is no city in New York called UVULA. I know I checked it on gogol maps! I am calling Maury Povich to do a DNA test on you guys because you are all missing the truth telling gene! I AM FOR REAL!!!!
Red Spot on Jupiter
October 19, 2009 @ 5:35 pm
I used to work out with kosher meats. But then some dude was all about pod casting weddings on his face book account. I was totally like whatever dude. I’m just gonna head to the swamp and go looking for a honey. So now I just want to know what the scalett letter stood for! Hooey!!
Bill O Is My Homeboy
October 20, 2009 @ 3:55 pm
Bill O, whom is my homeboy, would not put up with any of this mess. He would yell and Sharpton would go away. Welcome to the No Spin Zone dude!
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