President Relishes Role as Chicago’s Top Lobbyist

After having fixed the economy, won the war on man-made disasters, brought the troops home from Afghanistan and Iraq, kept the Iranians from developing atomic weapons, convinced the North Koreans to relinquish the atomic weapons they already have, paid back the debts owed to China, Saudi Arabia and Japan, returned the dollar to an actual standard of wealth, rendered social security as solvent for all of the rest of time (by ending that awful ponzi scheme altogether), eradicated America’s dependence on foreign oil and put a man on Mars it could have been assumed that President Obama would consider these achievements enough for any one man and graciously called it a day. Those subscribing to such a supposition, regardless of how reasonable it may seem, would be in gross error. Far from resting on such fresh, lofty and leafy laurels Obama has set his not insignificant sights on the only real challenge still facing America: landing the 2016 Olympics for his adopted home town of Chicago.

Obama will be flying into Copenhagen this evening to make his case before the International Olympic Committee. White House Press Secretary Barry Gibbs spoke with The Vitamin Press about the President’s upcoming efforts. “We are fairly certain that Barry will be able to pull this thing off. He’s spent the last nine months wooing, apologizing and bowing to foreign dignitaries and royalty the world over and from his own marriage he has developed a certain amount of expertise in the areas of groveling, begging and feet licking. Believe you me, this is a man who is at the top of his sycophantic game.”

On the off chance that the President’s efforts are not quite enough to sway the committee the administration most assuredly has a contingency plan. The Vitamin Press has learned that White House Chief of Staff Raman “The Noodle” Emanuel will be landing in Denmark mere hours after Obama. We also have it on good authority the some items in his care -items not being declared to customs- are prostitutes and horse heads.

When questioned about this White House Press Secretary Barry Gibbs changed direction of the conversation to the much more pleasant matter of Obama using the Office of The President of the United States of America as a personal lobbying tool for so many of his Chicago political cronies who made his election possible and stand to make millions from the Olympics. “ The President is awful glad to have this opportunity to help grant a minor tribute to those men and women whose smoke filled back rooms made it possible for him to have so thoroughly healed the world.”