Somali Pirates Speak Out against “Fake Holiday”

Somali pirates don't share the same style as the ones in Disney films. Experts on Somali pirates agree that Somali pirates are quite different from pirates "of old." Somali pirates wield more modern weapons and smell like their mothers never taught them to wipe their bottoms.

Modern-day pirates from Somalia, troubled by the observance of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, have sent letters condemning the holiday to U.S. President Barack Insane Obama, as well as to governors Arnold Brownschweiger (California) and Rick Dingle Berry (Texas).  “Perpetuating and promoting ridiculous, and even foppish, pirate stereotypes like those of Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean denigrates our entire profession… We don’t mind other fake holidays like the Thanksgiving Day celebrated in the United States. Just keep your holidays out of our business!,” reads the letter. Brownschweiger commented, “Profession? What profession? These people are nothing but thugs on boats! Arr!!!” In similar comments, Berry seemed to agree, saying, “Shiver me timbers! I can’t believe these swashbuckling thieves have the audacity to send such a letter… furthermore, who did they get to write it for them?”

However, Obama had a different take on the letter, assuring the American people that Somali pirates would not qualify for free health insurance under his new healthcare reform bill. “To even think about providing these people with free healthcare would be ridiculous, considering they are not even American citizens,” he stated. However, in later comments, he spoke further on the topic, “We will have to see what can be done to legitimately bring these Somali pirates into the fold, making it easier for them to become American citizens by cutting the red tape.”

President Skroob and alter-ego “Yogurt” (of Spaceballs fame) weighed in on the issue saying, “What these pirates are missing out on is merchandising, merchandising, merchandising!” Skroob argued that while some appeal for their modern appearance may be generated with the right marketing campaign, they really needed to work on their hygiene. “Marketing can only do so much! You can murder and pillage all you want, but at some point, mateys, you just have to realize there’s no substitute for toilet paper and soap!”