Experts Decry the Lack of “Profesional Protesters” at Town Hall Meetings

United States of America- All across the nation yesterday, town hall meetings were bombarded with protesters wishing to express their displeasure with the president’s agenda for health care reform, as well as his general disdain of individual liberty and property. Without the benefit of an audience with the head of the executive branch, most of this anger was directed against local congressmen. Despite this effort, however, many experts wonder how effective these demonstrations will be.

This substantial query, it must be noted here, is in hard deference to the quality of these protesters. Many experts in the field are skeptical as to whether any of these town hallers are professional enough to warrant being heard, much less taken seriously.

About this matter, The Vitamin Press spoke with 7 time Grammy Award winning protester and charter member of Greenpeas International, Sage Pinebrush. Pinebrush shared an insight into the matter far beyond what even we could understand. “Look I’ve been named Trolling Stoned Magazine’s protester of the year four times now. I’m on everyone’s year-end top ten list, and last month Hot Topic sold more t-shirts with my face than they did with Che’s! So lets face it . . . I’m an international protest superstar, and when I speak, people should either listen or drop their pants. Now, in my opinion, these town hallers should not even be called protesters. These guys are just not in the same league or even organized enough to be in any sort of league at all. Seriously, they carry around signs that look like they were made at home, they drive themselves to these events, their message has obviously not been focus-grouped and, lets face it, none of their chants are going to win them any Grammy’s. And if there is anything I know about, its a good slogan . . . my recording of the phrase ‘Kanye rapped/Bush crapped’ has sold 8 million copies through Viacom Online Tunes since its release this morning.”

When pressed for what advice he would give these dilettante rabel rousers, Pinebrush seemed less sure. “You know, I don’t know. I mean, I’m not certain this is a battle they can win. Obama has some serious community organizing credentials. He’s an Alinsky acolyte, he’s got professional PR firms on his side, he runs the press in this nation from Rahm Emanuel’s office, and don’t forget how well-funded he is; and I’m not just talking about the billions of taxpayer dollars he’s funneled into his personal protesters. You have to also remember that there have been substantial contributions from Walmart and Big Pharma. So like I said, I don’t really know that these amateurs can do anything to counteract that juggernaut of professional protesting precision.”

To congressional representative Kathy Castoroil, the act of ignoring her constituents is more about good government than anything else. “In a participatory democracy, elements of dissent and those espousing an alternative point of view are in fact undemocratic, unpatriotic, and counterproductive and must be ignored. If we allow those with differing views a spot at the public debate, then surely we will lose our democracy.” Castoroil also reaffirmed her strong belief that she would never allow a democracy to be hijacked by voters and proffered to them the following words of wisdom and warning, “And honestly many of these folks had better watch out. They are guests in our house, and if they keep on pushing, its not going to be much longer before we start pushing back.”

Mere hours after Castoroil spoke those prophetic words, Massachusetts congressman Barney Frankfurter was forced to do just that to an ungrateful citizen who had the moxie to compare the spokesman for national socialist healthcare to the spokesman for national socialist everything else. In characteristic form, Frankfurter unleashed his unrivaled wit and delivered the devastating line “Ma’am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like arguing with a dining room table.” However after having given some consideration to Mr. Frankfurter’s physique, The Vitamin Press must wonder how sardonic his comment was actually intended to be. After all, the man looks as if he’s won just about as many arguments against dining room tables as he has against personal ads promising: “Exceptionally good-looking, personable, muscular athlete is available. Hot bottom plus large endowment equals a good time.”

Note: Yes that was the text of the actual ad that led to a male prostitution ring being run out of the honorable congressman’s residence.