Administration Targets Americans Most Likely To Believe in the Dietary Benefit of Eating Their Own Boogers

Washington- At an early morning presser today Secretary of Education Archie Bunker Duncan announced a bold new initiative designed to “engage this nation’s youth in a call to service and commitment to community not seen in this country since the days of FDR.” This campaign, designated the “Obama Youth” movement, has been in the planning stages since the earliest days of the administration. That plan goes into action this Tuesday with some very special programming from the administration to the kids of this nation.

School age children, attending public education camps that day, will be required to watch a televised address – presented by the president himself- where they will be instructed on the proper protocol for rendering mandated service to the government and how to be better representatives of their all powerful supreme executive leader. Upon completion of the president’s message the children will be marched to the recess area of their facilities and issued smart looking new uniforms, whistles and boots. Government school representatives will then lead these youth in an assortment of educational games such Duck, Duck, Subversive; Red Rover, Red Rover Send Your Tax Dollars all Over and I Spy With My Little Eye (something fishy that must be reported to the appropriate White House email address). After these festivities the children will be separated into two groups. Those lucky enough to have parents that voted for Obama will be treated to cake, ice cream and pony rides while the rest of the kids will be given jobs.

Little Marky Ingals van Wilder, a second grader at Alger Hiss Memorial Elementary, likes the idea. “My socialist studies teacher Miss Davis is always like omg, idk, evil imperialist bourgeoisies pig farts, wtf, bff, I love Che so like dude whatever.” Despite his excitement van Wilder is not entirely convinced as to the merits of the project. “I am a little worried about what will happen to me if they find out my parents voted for Adam Lambert instead of Obama.”

Another big fan of the program is none other than Vice President Josef Biden. He made an exclusive statement the our news organization but unfortunately the only person on our payroll who speaks idiot was off that day and so we have absolutely no idea what he was talking about. White House Press Secretary Barry Gibbs later contacted The Vitamin Press to offer the following clarification. “What the Vice President really said is that as Americans we would all do well to listen to the wisdom of the children when it comes to the health care debate. I mean have any of you ever gotten the cooties? Well you can thank a little thing called circle circle dot dot for that particular miracle.”