Congress to Add “Flexible” Amendment to Constitution

Washington, D.C.- Congress men and women are working during recess to hammer out the first draft of a new, groundbreaking Constitutional amendment. Unlike the effort to draft previous amendments-to-be, current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has enlisted the aid of dozens of linguists to cunningly craft the new amendment using a custom-designed language. Not only does this promise to be the first piece of major legislation written entirely in a language other than English, the new language being created is also unique in that only key members of the current administration will have access to references that describe and define the grammar and vocabulary of this language.

“It has become one of our finest traditions that most bills are quickly rushed through passage in both houses of Congress – so quickly, that most are passed – unread,” said Algiers Community College political science  instructor, Huey B. Wrong. When probed whether it was a good idea to arbitrarily pass laws without understanding them, he responded, “Everybody loves surprises. Would you really want to know in advance what you were going to get for Christmas? How about the gender of your unborn baby – you wouldn’t want to know that, would you? Would you really want to know all the details about your future? Of course not! Such surprises are the spice of life. Crafting the amendment in this new language is well within the spirit of our modern Congressional traditions.”

Not all in Congress agree. Puerto Rico U.S. Senator, Benjamin Franklin Hamilton, believes passing such an amendment is a recipe for disaster. “While I had always hoped people would start paying attention to the U.S. Constitution as the Law of the Land, I had not anticipated this attention coming through its destruction. When Justice Sotomayor was confirmed, I had thought that nothing worse could be done against Constitutional government. It now seems I may have been wrong.” As the amendment receives its final edits, Pelosi’s staffers are already planning a variety of controversies and disasters to act as diversions for the media while the amendment moves from committee, to passage in both the Senate and the House. On condition of anonymity, members of Pelosi’s staff underscored the amendment’s political importance. Given the sinking approval ratings of Congress and the current administration, they believe this may be the only hope to implement the sweeping changes promised during political campaigns last year.

However, after minutes of painstaking research, The Vitamin Press has discovered a flaw that promises to unravel the plans of Pelosi and her political cronies. While the actions they have planned may very well succeed, it is unlikely their new amendment will go anywhere. In their total disregard for the U.S. Constitution, none of them actually read Article 5 concerning the requirements for an amendment to be added. “When they write bills and pass them into law, they are often hundreds of pages long – so long that nobody actually reads them,” explained Sen. Hamilton. “They seem to equate quantity with quality. When they look at Article 5 and see only 143 words, they scoff and go back to not reading the other bills they will be voting on.”