Dave Matthews Drops Greatest Hit on Boatload of Unsuspecting Tourists

Chicago- Five years ago, nearly one hundred Chicago boat tourists were treated to an unexpected, and no doubt unappreciated, gift from the members of The Dave Matthews Band. As something other than luck would have it, at the precise moment the tour boat was passing under the Chicago River bridge, The Dave Matthews Band’s touring bus was traveling over that bridge. Also, as un-luck would have it, at that precise moment, the driver of The Dave Matthews Band’s touring bus released 800 pounds of liquefied human waste from the bowels of the bus and onto the surface below. This waste went careening through the grating of the bridge and came down in a massive shower of shock and awful that descended upon those standing about on the tour boat’s observation deck. Many were apoplectic. Many were horrified. Nobody died.

Surveillance cameras from area businesses were used to identify the vehicle from which the ghastly shower originated. Shortly thereafter, bus driver Stephen A. Wurlitzer was arrested by the Chicago Police Department but was then released after being detained for only a couple of hours. Wurlitzer had denied any involvement in the incident, and, without further evidence, Illinois state attorney general, Judith Light, felt that it would be nearly impossible to convene a grand jury for the purposes of producing an indictment.

Despite this setback, Light never forgot the case. She spent years tirelessly pursuing the evidence she felt would be needed to bring the culprits to justice. It was all to no avail, though, as the only evidence truly incontestable in proving her case, stool samples from Dave Matthews for comparison with what had been recovered from the victims, remained out of her reach. That is… until now.

Early last week, Attorney General Light filed a motion for a subpoena to force Matthews to provide the biological matter her case needed from him. It was a crap shoot. She won. The victory, however, was Pyrrhic. Once word reached the socially conscience rocker of what would soon be required of him, he went on a hunger strike. Light filed for a further court order to force Matthews to eat, but this request was promptly denied. With no further options or avenues to embark on, she felt that her last hope for a conclusion in the matter had been lost. She quietly resigned herself to the fact that nothing more could be done and went about the business of unceremoniously flushing the case. Then, in a moment of partial desperation and partial inspiration, Judith light had her epiphany. Procuring a sample of Dave Matthews fecal matter would be a simple matter after all, and so she logged onto her iTunes account and did just that.

Note:  The Vitamin Press attempted to speak to Mr. Matthews when composing this report.  This, unfortunately, proved to be impossible as he was preparing for a lead role in the upcoming Broadway Spectacular about the life and artistry of Marcel Marceau.