Dept. of Health and Human Services to Join Economic Battle

Washington, D.C.- The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) has been tasked by the Obama administration to join the struggle against the faltering economy. To prevent the current economic recession from worsening into a depression, HHS has been encouraging doctors nationwide to liberally prescribe antidepressants to their patients. Secretary of HHS, Willie Gilligan Believeus, has set the department’s goal to increase the number of Americans currently taking antidepressants from 27 million to 100 million by early 2010.

Many economists disagree with the HHS battle plan, arguing that the U.S. economy has already entered a depression. Harvard professor of economics, Ivy Leager, insists that antidepressants are not the right course of action to end the current depression. “If HHS was serious about ending this depression, they would go right to the root of the problem by giving electroshock therapy to corporate CEOs who have contributed to and profited from our current economic malaise,” said Leager.

By expanding the use of antidepressants at this rate, the pharmaceutical industry may expand its sales by as much as $70 Billion anually. Watchdog groups have pointed fingers at investments in pharmaceutical companies currently held by key members of the Obama administration. However, Democrats argue that this situation is no different than Republicans holding stock in companies profiting from the War on Terror during the Busch administration.

Famous political satirist and novelist, Dr. Kurt Love, weighed in on the situation, saying that while the outlook seems bleak, an analysis of historical documents indicates that antidepressants may have improved the quality of life of the people aboard the Titanic during its famous maiden voyage. “As the government takes further control over our lives, and the middle class gets wiped out, antidepressants may make people feel better about their lots in life, thus artificially raising consumer confidence.”