CASH FOR PUNKERS

Washington- The White House officially announced today that former teen sensation and punk rock princess Avril Latrine would be serving as the nation’s first ever Commissar of Youth Affairs for Community Engagement and Compulsory Integration. The group, personally proposed by President Borax Obama himself, is intended to bridge the gap between young people and their government through a variety of programs including Red Rover Red Rover Send Your Tax Dollars All Over, Duck, Duck, Subversive and Cash for Punkers.

Cash for Punkers, as Latrine explained it to The Vitamin Press, is the first of these programs to be implemented and it is one that is very personal to her. “Yeah, like with my unique background of having been young, I totally understand what it is like to be a non-conformist and an individual, you know.” This history gives Latrine an intimate perspective on what it will take to purge the punk rock community of some of its less compliant aspects.

For further explanation on that perspective, The Vitamin Press turned to Secretary of State Hillary Rodhamburgler Clinton – mostly because she is much smarter (and less annoying) than Miss Latrine. “The punk rock community has had a long tradition of being reliably liberal. It is only natural as they see themselves as sticking it to the man and to the status quo. They also have a tradition of being pretty do-it-yourself and anti-authority, too, and that is where we might run into a problem. In the new America, in Borax Obama’s America, there is no place for doing it yourself, and there certainly is no place for challenging authority. We are all in this together, and no one can be allowed to opt out. That is why Cash for Punkers is so important. Through this program, we intend to pay every punk rocker $4500.00 to renounce their adherence to individuality and take up the cause of the collective good – even if it comes at the detriment of the individual.”

Clinton also informed The Vitamin Press that the administration originally had great concerns over whether success of the program was plausible. It was worried, by some in the planning stages, that the participants would simply take the money and forgo acceptance of the requirements placed upon receipt. In the end, it was reasoned that, as with all sub-genre’s or culture, a majority of those adhering to the punk rock ethic would be mere followers and not at all committed to its tenants or goals. This majority would be easily stripped away, leaving the real potential troublemakers clearly identifiable for later reconditioning or punishment.

Any readers of The Vitamin Press interested in participating in this program may do so by registering at their local Hot Topic or staying tuned into MTV . . . you’re source for what’s cool.