Team of Agents from FCC and ATF Comb Wilderness to Assure Frontiersmen and Hillbillies Outside World Still Exists

The Boonies- Hillbillies and frontiersmen living in remote areas were alarmed on June 13 when they could receive no stations on their televisions. Many unearthed arsenals of weapons they had hid underground decades ago and built fortresses to await the post-apocalyptic hordes that were surely roaming the countryside, thirsty for blood.

This phenomen and misunderstanding was first recognized by an elite team from the South Carolina National Guard who were secretly mobilized by South Caronlina’s Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer to search Appalachia for the state’s missing governor. “Usually when we stumble across militant frontiersman, we get some kind of warning like a yell of ‘Get off ma land!’,” said Col. Mark Buford, ”but we found, more and more, that they just opened fire without warning.” When the Guard was finally able to incapactitate the violent frontiersman, those left alive were terrified, convinced that the outside world had somehow come to an abrupt end.

The Vitamin Press tracked down one of the frontiersman whom the Guard contacted. On condition of anonymity (and on the condition that we would get off and stay off of his land), the man described to us his experiences from June 13. “I turned on the TV, but there was nothin’ there. All the channels done gone away at once,” he said. “My natural conclusion was obviously that I was the last survivin’ human being after a sneak alien attack. I figured that they’d be comin’ fer me sooner or later, so I dug up my guns and dug in!”

Teams of Agents from the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF) have been dispatched to remote areas around the country to search for, incapacitate if needed, and explain the digital transition to hillbillies and frontiersmen around the country. Thus far, the agents have finished combing the wilderness in Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and Maryland. They hope to have combed the entire 48 continental states by 2013. However, as frontiersmen are further and further deprived of the latest Degrassi episodes, they are likely to become increasingly paranoid, resulting in a highly volatile and dangerous situation for the federal agents who will encounter them.