Shock: Social Security Numbers No Longer Secure

Pittsburgh, PA- Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have released their results from groundbreaking research definitively proving that the 9-digit social security numbers assigned to Americans are not secure. Although a social security number is required for everything from setting up a telephone line to registering at a school to opening a new bank account, it is not safe to freely pass these numbers around. “Unfortunately, many people are under the impression that because their social security numbers are so long and so big, that they cannot be easily copied,” said Dr. Robert Acquisition. “Our work has shown that with today’s technology, this is no longer the case.”

The Social Security Administration is aware of the problem and is actively working to find a solution. Solutions currently under consideration include making each number a different color. However, this would entail the distribution of 300 Million sets of special government-issued colored pens. Another, more feasible, solution is to increase radio airplay of the Black Eyed Peas to reduce the collective intelligence of the population to a point where most Americans will be unable to conceptualize much beyond the words, “Boom Boom Pow”. This may be the most affordable solution to taxpayers since current projections indicate that Black Eyed Peas airplay is already reaching the needed level. However, the most favored option by the current administration is to equally distribute wealth and work to further homogenize the population, thus eliminating any incentives to use someone else’s social security number or steal their identity.