Refreshing: Politician Cheats on Wife, Not Taxes

SOUTH CAROLINA- In a news conference from the LaQuinta Inn on the corner of the I-59 Corridor and S. Exchange Street in Shrapnel Hill, member of the Republican Party and Republican Governor of South Carolina Mark “The Republican” Sanford announced that he had been whoring around on his wife.  Those familiar with the state’s First Lady were not surprised.

         Suspicions that something was amiss with the Republican governor were aroused five days ago when the prominent Republican went missing.  The only clue to his location was a cryptic message on his twitter account that seemed to suggest that he might be following Mylo Cyrus on her world tour of strip malls and Clearasil factories all across the country.  Sources close to the governor were wary of this explanation as Mr. Sanford is a Republican; it is well documented that Republicans hate dogs, children, and music. While Cyrus may not make what can seriously be called music, she does satisfy the requisite requirements for being categorized as the two formers.

          The mystery surrounding the Republican Governor’s whereabouts was solved yesterday.  In an early morning mission, members of the CIA, acting on a tip as to the location of Osama bin Ladin, stormed the LaQuinta Inn hotel room that Mark “The Republican” Sanford had turned into his love nest.  After dynamically bursting through the door to deploy a flash bang and CS gas grenade, the operatives secured the room and found the crying governor on top of a confused, and also crying, former Miss California.  Carrie Prejean later commented and clarified her position on the incident saying, “I believe that marriage-ending affairs should be between a man and a woman.”

Since news of this hit the wires, Republican leadership has turned apoplectic.  This is bad press for a party whose image can ill afford such on the heels of two seriously disappointing election cycles.  Republican propagandists at Fox News have even tried to blunt the effects of this scandal by misidentifying Sanford’s party, figuring that if the media thought he was a Democrat they would simply bury the story.  This strategy worked for a while, but was ultimately foiled when the daily press directive from Rahm Emanual corrected the disinformation and tasked all the news agencies with ridiculing and castigating Sanford.

Note:  The Vitamin Press included the ridicule and castigation of Sanford’s wife and Carrie Prejean purely as lagniappe in the hopes that next time this administration passes out 126 billion dollars to the corporate interests controlling the news outlets, we might just be able to get our hands on some of that cash.  We ridiculed and castigated Mylo Cyrus simply because we do not like her or her stupid Disney show.