Chastity Bono Undergoes Radical Procedure

HOLLYWOOD- In a stunning announcement that promises to rock the American LGBT movement, if not set it back by at least 30 years, the activist formerly known as Chastity Bono has admitted to undergoing procedures intended to surgically remove all the gayness from his body.  Although Bono was not available for comment, the Vitamin Press has learned, through several well-placed sources, that Bono embarked upon the experimental procedures once he discovered that the more usual measures used to “cure” homosexuality did not work.  According to these same sources, options previously considered by Bono were electroshock therapy, straight camp, an over-the-counter topical ointment, and sitting in a corner whilst staring for a long period of time at a photograph of Rosie O’Donnell in a bathrobe.

          Chaz, as Bono is now known, began his grueling series of surgeries a little over a year ago.  The results have been extremely positive, and as of this writing he is over 60 percent straight.  Just as encouraging is the fact that his girlfriend is experiencing sympathetic symptoms and is now less than 40 percent lesbian.  The two are looking forward to being able to love each other again in the very near future.

          Despite these successes, experts in the medical community warn that such procedures are not without risk.  One prominent doctor also noted that even if these procedures are able to remove all the gay from Chaz, he will likely have to take anti-gayging drugs for the rest of his life in order to suppress his bodies natural immunity to heterosexuality.